What to Say to Someone Losing Weight

I am working really, really hard to cut down my body fat percentage for our wedding. Besides obvious health benefits, I want to look hot hot hot that day, and that’s my choice to make.

It’s also my choice to make this change in the healthiest way possible. For me, that means reducing my daily calorie load, virtually eliminating high glycemic foods, eating 6 small meals per day, cardio at least twice a week, and lifting with a trainer 3 times per week. And it’s working; I’m down nearly 12 pounds since February 3.

The thing I can’t control: how others react to my choice to  lose fat.

And it’s super annoying.

Let me set up a common situation for you: I’m at a social event. I’m drinking still or sparkling water. The food options include sweets, cheeses, and 3 forms of carbs. I choose to stick with the celery or the protein option without sauce or bread. And someone asks me why I’m not eating or drinking liquor. (note: I plan ahead for these situations and typically plan to eat one of my small meals prior to going – I’m not starving myself, they’re just not seeing me eat).

I tell them that I am focusing on getting myself ready for the wedding. I get one of two responses:

• You’re tiny! You don’t need to lose any weight! or
• Oh come one, one (insert food or drink here) won’t kill you!

Here’s why each of these are frustrating, terribly unsupportive, and help perpetuate negative body image:

• I am clinically overweight, and I have plenty of fat to lose. In fact, I started this process at around 37% body fat, and the average for women is 24-31%. My starting percentage put me in the obese category.
• One cupcake is not going to ruin my whole meal plan, no. But I know myself, and I know that it’s hard for me to keep from eating more than one. Or having one at this event and then having one at another event two days later. While alcohol is easy for me to turn down, I know that if I drink I will make bad food choices. Bar food is my biggest weakness.

The gist is I am spending a lot of time and money working to get myself in better shape. And I am not alone; whether you’re doing it for your wedding, to rebound from pregnancy, or just to become healthier, you are putting this effort in. Don’t let people around you sabotage that. They think it’s just one cupcake, but why undo a really good workout by eating a cupcake? Work smarter, not harder.

So people of the world, stop staying these things to those of us choosing not to participate in the cupcakes. Simply respond with something like “Good for you, I couldn’t do it!” and then change the subject. Disorderly eating is caused by obsessive compulsive behavior and a person downgrading the worth of your efforts is not going to help anything either.

All About His: Proposal

Check out our proposal story on howheasked.com! 

A wedding is not an accomplishment.

Wedding planning is a process. It’s full of ups and downs and changes and sometimes tears. And it’s a pretty cool feeling to be engaged, if I do say so myself.

But I am not defined by my engagement. I’m no different in terms of my abilities, my education, or my value because a man came along and decided he liked me a lot.

A wedding is not an accomplishment. Getting married is not an accomplishment.

It’s a milestone. On what is hopefully a very long journey.

Staying married is an accomplishment. Correction: staying happily married is an accomplishment.

And even then, staying happily married and continuing at growing as a couple to keep your significant other fulfilled, engaged (in the bigger sense), satisfied, challenged, hungry, passionate, and supported is not really award-worthy. It’s what should be expected.

While I’ve always felt this way, two recent things really piqued my interest on the subject:

• A single friend’s single sister posting this article and then being berated for her opinion on Facebook by happily married women who think marriage is a major accomplishment
• Hoda Kotb discussing her new book about other people’s journeys and how amazing it is to flip the bird to the path of least resistance

Hoda Kotb is not my favorite person in the world, but during her interview she gave an interesting example: she outlined the classic love story.

Girl grows up and goes to college in her home state. Girl meets Boy who lives across the street in college. Boy and Girl marry and move to one of their home towns. Boy and Girl have kids who repeat the cycle. 

We’re not in The Lion King here, people. You can leave the village. You can move away. That is an accomplishment. And that’s exactly what Kotb felt like; she looked at her own life, a life she is very happy with and proud of, and looked at her choices. Looked at the times she took the path of least resistance and when she didn’t.

But I digress.

Being engaged should not change anyone’s opinion of me. A woman who is single at 35 is not devalued. She’s not depreciating with age. If I had married the boy across the street in college, I would be divorced by now. I didn’t know who I was then! I didn’t know what marriage was then. Heck, I hadn’t been on a real date then!!

Everyone needs to slow their roll and see marriage and family for what it is: a milestone. Not a requirement. Not a sign of value. Not a reason to discard someone.

When I look back at my life, I really, really hope the greatest accomplishment I ever earned was conning Flip into Flip wanting to marry me. At this moment right now, it’s not the thing I’m most proud of. I am proud of our relationship? Sure. Am I proud of valuing myself enough to commit to a man that values me as a whole woman? Absolutely.

But if I wasn’t here in this moment with all that’s ahead of him and I, I would still be breathing. I would still be content and fulfilled and loved. By myself. By friends and family. By my accomplishments and milestones. And that, to me, is the real mark of achievement.

How I am keeping from becoming Bridezilla

I generally have a pretty good grip on my emotions. I’ve been described as easy going, adaptable, accommodating, even fun.

Long before I was engaged (or even before I met my fiance), I made my closest girlfriend promise me something: physically assault me, if needed, to keep me from being a Bridezilla. And don’t ever let me call it my wedding or my big day.

I am happy to say that I have been really good about both of those promises (and she can verify it). So how am I keeping even-keeled even under the pressures of wedding planning?

I’m removing the pressures. I am lucky that I am marrying a man who a) has essentially given me free reign of this day and has been uber supportive of every decision I’ve made and b) who wanted similar things for the overall day.

So removing the pressures was easy. And having seen weddings before from the coordinator perspective helps because I have seen what makes brides crazy, what can set off a mother, and where the biggest pain points are.

No bridesmaids or groomsmen. No ring bearer. No flower girl. No toasts. No first dances. No dancing at all (see event description). No unnecessary logistics (i.e. renting chairs for ceremony). Sticking to the budget and cutting the crap. Not stressing over whether or not people will like this color of blue on the invites. If it gives either of us anxiety, we find a way to nix it.

We’re focused on the bigger picture and the feeling of the day. No one is going to remember what the cupcake wrappers looked like. But. Each and every one of our guests is going to leave our wedding saying to themselves that it was fun, it was relaxed, it was unique, and it was a day that only Flip and Rachel could have pulled off. And that’s what’s important to us.

Are we looking at the details? Sure. But in the end, isnt that all just fluff?

We have a plan AND a coordinator. I say this not to create business opportunities for myself, but hands-down the best money a bride and groom can spend is on hiring a wedding coordinator. They can hire the person for the whole process as a planner, hire them to finalize contracts and logistics for the month prior, or just be there the day of. But get one.

Get one you love. And trust them explicitly.

A good coordinator is there to do one thing: prevent the bridal party and guests from experiencing any stress. I have done everything from hemming bridesmaids dresses to distracting anxious moms to recovering a diamond broken from an engagement setting (true stories). If a bride starts panicking about something, it’s the coordinator’s job to swoop in and soothe her. It takes a village to run a wedding, and it takes a damn good chief to make the tribe run.

I’m choosing to not share every detail with the world. We want our guests to be surprised and excited. We want our friends who aren’t invited to keep from feeling excluded. We’re very up front about the intimate nature of our wedding. Fifty guests. That’s it. We’re not inviting Uncle Ted’s sister’s ex’s dog sitter for a reason. I’m not counting down the days on Facebook. I’m not bitching to Twitter about how badly I want Ben & Jerry’s (that’s why I have a blog haha). I’m very consciously only mentioning the wedding when asked about it, and making sure to divert the conversation as quickly as possible without being rude as to a) remind people I have a life outside of my wedding and b) remind people that I am genuinely interested in their lives now and forever. I ask friends for advice sparingly and only initiate wedding questions with invited guests.

Have I had a couple break downs along the way? Yep. But they’ve been few and far between and only when I’ve really let my silly emotions get the best of me and leak out on to my face. And only in the privacy of my car in the Wendy’s parking lot. With my mom on the phone.

I get to be the bride once. He gets to be the groom once. I am not going to ruin that by giving everyone a reason to remember me as: